


Someone

by ddelusionall



Category: JYJ (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Cheating, Drug Use, Kim Junsu is married with a kid, M/M, Old lover coming back, One of My Favorites, POV First Person, POV Kim Junsu (JYJ), Rough Sex, sex while high
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-10
Updated: 2011-09-18
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:40:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23879296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ddelusionall/pseuds/ddelusionall
Summary: Jaejoong was my first love. Cocaine was my second. When Jaejoong disappeared, my life turned around. And now that Jaejoong is back, I'm not sure what I want.
Relationships: Kim Jaejoong/Kim Junsu (JYJ), Kim Junsu (JYJ)/Original Female Character(s)
Kudos: 2





	1. Someone cheer me up again ...

**Author's Note:**

> I am importing my stories from LiveJournal. The original fic can be found [here](http://be-ddelusionall.livejournal.com/).
> 
> I haven't read this story in a long time, so I may have missed some tags. Just let me know if I did.

**Someone cheer me up again  
Throw me to the sky  
Brushed electric jolts around  
Hold me when I cry**

Jaejoong Kim was a memory. Part of high school, the first semester of college, and then one of those people who you should try to contact to see how they’re doing, but you always end up forgetting. He was important to me then. He’s important to me now only because our lives back then are nothing like my life is now. I don’t regret what we did, because I learned from it. I learned what I didn’t want my life to be like.

Sometimes when I find something from back then (a picture of us, a t-shirt, a doo-a-ma-hicky from this place or that place) I wonder if Jaejoong had learned from it too.

Spring rolled through the city with cataclysmic storms. Flooding, fires from lightning, a couple of almost tornados. I took it all in and trudged through the waves, in a state of perma-soaked, with all the other blue collar office workers. Somewhere in my second year of college, I decided to major in accounting. Easy work, easy classes (for me anyway).

I worked on the eleventh floor of a high rise. My main responsibility was payroll for everyone else, but I also did taxes and budgeting. It paid well; I had benefits, vacation-time and sick days.

It was dull.

I kept thinking of going back to school for biomedical engineering or something.

But there were always complications.

I met Jillian Childress in my last year of college. She said she had an Asian kink. I had this thing for blonds. Neither one of us meant to fall in love with the other, but it happened. I married her, and I love her. When David was born, we agreed that his last name would be Childress-Kim. I had enough problems growing up with people thinking Kim was my first name. And JillChil was an only child, her father wanted his name to continue.

We lived in a two bedroom apartment in the middle of the city. JillChil wanted to move to a house now that we had David, and she wanted another kid. And a dog. We could not get a dog in an apartment. We were saving for a down payment.

In six years, it was our first argument. I like the city. I was born in Seoul, South Korea, moved to Los Angeles when I was eight. Moved to Seattle when I was thirteen. And then to Chicago for college.

I was not cut out for suburbia life.

“How will you know until you try?” JillChil asked me.

“Buying a house is a huge risk just to try something out,” I replied.

But JillChil’s arguments won. David should have a yard, not a drug-infested park. The schools were better. The neighborhood was safer. And didn’t I always want a dog?

I always preferred cats, I reminded her.

Okay, so it was the second thing we fought about. The stray cat I brought home after living together for four months had gone to the pound after I found out she was allergic.

I was twenty-eight, and David was three when Jaejoong came back into my life.

That day, not long into April, the rain seemed like it was giving up. Instead of fat drops, it was a mist. Lightning flashed far away, beyond the skyline. The wind died. Everything still hung wet and miserable, but there was hope.

I’d brought work home with me again, and I felt Jillie’s disapproving stare. But we had agreed that Fridays were “our days” and no work at home on Fridays. It was a Tuesday. I had a meeting with the bosses on Friday about the next quarterly budget. I was working too many hours at the office, and wasn’t getting paid for the hours I was working at home.

I sipped on a glass of wine, wondering for a moment if JillChil knew about GHB. She complained a lot about our lack of sex, but honestly, between her crazy swing shifts as a nurse and me working long hours, we were lucky to get a kiss from each other every day.

Maybe I shouldn’t have brought my work home.

JillChil sat next to me on the couch and I raised my arm and she snuggled in next to me. Her hand ran up over my chest and the numbers on the page blurred when her fingertips brushed over my nipples through my shirt.

She didn’t need GHB to make me willing.

I smiled and then almost laughed as she kissed along my jaw.

I opened my mouth to say something, and then our house phone rang. We only had it because the doorman was required to call us when someone had a package for us or when someone we didn’t know wanted in to our apartment.

I met Jillie’s eyes and she shrugged. It was almost eleven-thirty. She rose and answered the phone.

“Hello, James, how are you tonight? … Good … Yes, he’s here. Sort of. Buried in paperwork, but … well, I think he’s here under all those numbers.” She laughed. “Um, I don’t know, but probably. Sounds Korean. Hang on. Babe, do you know someone named Jaejoong Kim?”

I almost spit out my wine. “What?”

“James says there’s an Asian guy named Jaejoong Kim asking to be let up.”

“Oh god, yes. I haven’t seen him since … since … forever.”

Jillie tilted her head in question but told James to let him up. After hanging up the phone, she said, “So who is this?”

“Friend from high school,” I said simply and prayed she wouldn’t ask more questions. I gathered up my work, made sure it was organized and shoved it all in my briefcase.

Jillie snorted. “At least something will get you to stop—“

I held up a hand. “I haven’t seen him in ten years, Jill.”

She pouted at me, arms crossed. We stared at each other. I jumped when the doorbell rang. Her eyes followed me as I moved across the living room.

Nervous. Oh, god, oh so nervous.

The last time I had seen Jaejoong, we’d been coming down from a high and we were both naked with come drying on our thighs. I got up to take a shower, and when I came out of the bathroom. He was gone. Poof. Disappeared.

I wiped my hands on my jeans, looking down at my plain t-shirt. My jeans were worn, a pair I had for at least five years now. The edges were frayed, knees almost white. I was waiting for them to split. There was a hole in the back pocket from the wear from my wallet. Hastily, I pulled them up, because they had been slipping dangerously on my hips.

JillChil always told me how sexy I still was and that her Asian fetish spiked any time I was naked. I wondered for a moment if Jaejoong would still think I was sexy and then cleared my throat and opened the door.

The first thing I noticed was his eyes. He’d always had big, expressive eyes. I learned to read them, to know when he was lying or happy or sad or barely controlling his lust. The second thing I noticed was his hair. Deep black, long, in a ponytail, tendrils falling around his face. And then he smiled and my breath caught and I whispered his name and his arms went around my waist and my arms were around his shoulders and I just hugged him. Stood in the doorway to my home and hugged my ex-lover, my best friend, my everything.

His skin smelled sweaty, his hair smelled of the manufactured fruit from dollar-brand conditioner. He had a backpack with him, but my hands were under it, and my fingers bumped down his spine.

Worried, I pulled away. I put my hands on his sides, feeling his ribs, and then looked down at how skinny he was. His t-shirt hung off him, his jeans were held up by a belt. He wore black boots. And he was wet. From the rain.

His eyes were tear-filled, I knew mine were too. I opened my mouth to ask how he was, but his eyes went past me, widened in surprise and he yanked himself away from me.

Right. Jillian.

It was good to know that Jaejoong was still capable of making me forget everything else.

I smiled and turned. “Jaejoong, this is my wife, Jillian.”

Jaejoong’s mouth formed an “O” of surprise and recognition. “Hello,” he said, bowing.

She nodded at him. “Hi.”

“Please excuse me for coming so late,” he said, not looking at me. “I –“

“It’s okay,” I said, daring Jillie to disagree with me through a look.

Her eyebrows rose and then her gaze fell to where I still had my arm around Jaejoong’s waist. I moved it quickly.

And again, only Jaejoong could yank such a brief, quick, strong possessive streak in me. Well, David did it, too.

“Well, come in,” Jillie said with a smile that I knew was fake, but at least she was trying. “Junsu will keep you by the door all night.”

Jaejoong smiled carefully, bowed again and stepped into the doorway. He bent over and unlaced his boots. Habit, for him and for me. Jillie still thought it was funny when I took my shoes off all the time.

I couldn’t take my eyes off him.

“Are you hungry?” I asked, almost whispering. “Jillie made pasta earlier.”

Our eyes met and he thought about denying it, and then he nodded. “Sure, thank you.”

“Follow me,” Jillie said.

Jaejoong nodded and then stepped around me. I waited until I could breathe again and then followed him through the living room, the dining room and into the kitchen.

“This is a very nice apartment,” Jaejoong said.

“Thank you,” Jillie said.

My tongue was caught in my throat. Jaejoong stopped by the wall and stared at a picture. Our family portrait from last year.

“That’s David,” I said, voice full of love and pride.

Jaejoong smiled. “Poor kid looks just like you.”

“You calling my kid ugly?” I demanded, hands on my hips.

The smile fell. “Just the opposite.”

Jillie slammed the dish down, and we both jumped and I hastily pointed to the table.

“How old is he?” Jaejoong asked as he sat down. His hands were shaking.

“Three. Almost four.”

“Wow. Late congratulations, on everything.”

I smiled and saw Jillie watching us. I vaguely recall telling her that I’d been bisexually inclined in high school and the first couple years of college. If I had been telling the truth, I would have said, “Jae-sexually inclined”.

She was looking at us like she knew all of my secrets. I married JillChil because she was smart. Oops.

Jaejoong looked at the table top. His fingers entwined, trying to stop the trembling. Silence fell and I fought the urge to reach across the table and take his hand.

“So … um, everything okay?” I asked. I knew the signs. He was coming down from a high.

Jaejoong nodded. Our eyes met, and I looked away. Guilt. From a look. I felt like I had cheated on Jillie just by looking at him.

The microwave dinged. We both jumped and then Jaejoong smiled lightly. A moment later, Jillie put a plate in front of Jaejoong, and then moved back to the counter. He ate slowly. Jillie poured more wine, and Jaejoong downed it like it was water. She snorted and I glared at her.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, and finally reached over. I touched the back of the hand that was wrapped around the wine glass.

He smiled, dismissing the question and then asked his own, simple things about our marriage, my school, my life, my job, my David. We talked for hours, because he had more and more questions, and Jillie slowly opened up to him. I watched her watch him. They were laughing together in no time, and that made me happy.

It was comforting and disturbing to realize that I still knew Jaejoong very well. He was stalling. But it was so easy to talk to him. Always was.

If Jillie caught onto the stalling, she didn’t say anything.

“Would you like to stay?” Jillie asked, just as lightning flashed through the window.

It was almost two am. We’d emptied the bottle of wine.

“N-no, I—“

“Stay,” I said.

He smiled, looking at the table. “T-thank you.”

Jillie met my eyes for a moment, and she smiled and then stood up. She kissed my cheek. “I’ll go find some blankets and pillows for the couch.”

I silently thanked her for leaving me alone with him.

I took his hand and he smiled. “Do we talk about you now?” I asked in Korean.

He shook his head.

“Do you need a place to stay?”

An anguished noise cut off before it could leave his throat.

“You can stay.”

“Your wife won’t like that.”

“I don’t care. JaeSu always comes first. Remember?”

He looked like he might cry.

“Are you still using?”

I already knew the answer, but I needed the confirmation. He said nothing, but the guilt on his face and his shaking hands was enough of an answer.

“Don’t bring it in my house. Ever.”

“I won’t.”

“I have to go to bed. Sleep for a couple hours. I have a huge meeting on Friday that I’m working overtime to prepare for.”

“Wow,” Jillian said from the doorway.

I looked over at her, and Jaejoong pulled his hand away from mine. “Wow what?”

“Korean. You only speak Korean to your parents.”

“He taught me English,” Jaejoong said.

“Jaejoong didn’t move here until he was thirteen,” I added. “Someone had to teach him more than just the swear words.”

In Korean, Jaejoong muttered, “Should I bend over so you can fuck me?”

I tried not to laugh, failed. It was one of the first things I taught Jaejoong to say in English. I stood up. Jillie sent me a question and I waved it away. “You don’t want to know.” I smacked Jaejoong’s shoulder. “Try to sleep, pabo.”

Jaejoong stood as well and bowed at my wife and thanked her for the hospitality for humoring our old friendship. I stared at the curve of his body and fought off a shudder of lust by leaving the kitchen.

I went to the bathroom, put my head against the cool tile wall and sighed. My cock twitched.

Damn it.

I didn’t allow myself to linger on thoughts of us for too long. I brushed my teeth violently and then went to bedroom.

JillChil was already in bed.

“So,” she said, quietly. “Old friend? Or old lover?”

I smiled and said, “Both. Friends first though. I told you I was a wild child in high school. Jaejoong was always next to me.”

“He seems … distant.”

“I know. He always has been. Or he always was anyway. I can’t say I really know him now.” But in my mind, I knew that Jaejoong hadn’t changed much.

I lifted up the blankets and climbed in beside her.

“I don’t blame you,” she said as I kissed her.

“Huh?”

“For the lover thing. He’s beautiful.”

I smiled. “Again. He always has been.”

Jillian chuckled.

“Good to know your Asian fetish is still there,” I said as her hand slipped into my sweats, fingers caressing my hip bone. In the dark, where I couldn’t see her, it was someone else’s fingers touching me. She didn’t tease anymore than that as we kissed. My mind wandered to Jaejoong in my living room.

The mini-make out session ended when she yawned. She had a day off the next day.

“Should I expect the beautiful Jaejoong to stay for a little while?”

“If he needs it,” I replied.

Jillie nodded. “Okay. I’ll give him a chance. He seems nice.”

“Thank you.”


	2. Someone take me over there ...

**"Someone take me over there  
Catch me when I fall  
Slumber-coated decadence  
Slam me down the wall**

Three weeks later, Jaejoong was still with us. I didn’t mind. JillChil was starting too. He got along with David right away. It was like a sleepover every day. I wasn’t surprised. All of Jaejoong’s sisters had kids. He’d always been good with them. It was the only reason why Jill wasn’t ready to kick him out, because it meant we didn’t have to pay a babysitter.

Oh, and somewhere along the years, Jaejoong learned to cook. Really really well. I told Jillian about all these Korean dishes that I had no way of cooking, and couldn’t explain why they weren’t that great at the local restaurants. Jaejoong showed her why.  
Jaejoong was a genius in the kitchen. Jill’s words, not mine.

My words had been “Jaejoong is a genius in the bedroom” but that was a long time ago.

But after days and nights of being in close quarters with him again, my body was rebelling. It wanted to see if Jaejoong still knew all the ways to turn me to goo.

Jaejoong remained quiet regarding his past. He only said he dropped out of college, spent a few months in jail for possession and moved to Seoul for a couple years to help his father cope after his mother’s death. He also visited my parents who had moved back to Seoul after I finished college. He said that my mother told him where I was living, but he was too scared to call.

There were a lot of holes in his story, but I didn’t push him for details.

The sun had finally decided to grace us with its presence, and it brought the humidity of summer. The walk from the bus stop to my apartment left me sticky and hot. I arrived home and pulled off my suit coat and undid my tie. Halfway through unbuttoning my shirt, something shattered in the kitchen.

Slowly, I moved toward the noise. JillChil and David were at David’s soon-to-be preschool.

“Jae?” I said.

A whimper answered me, and I hurried my steps, stopping in shock. Jaejoong was face down on the glass table, his arms wrapped around his head. White powder spread around him. A glass lay in pieces on the floor. Water spread with it.

“Jae,” I said again. My voice echoed in the silence.

His shoulders moved so he hadn’t passed out.

“Don’t move until I clean up the glass,” I said.

I went quickly to my room. I grabbed flip flops and towels and hurried back. Jaejoong hadn’t moved. He was crying. I cleaned up the glass and the water as fast as I could. And then I grabbed Jaejoong’s shoulders and pulled him up so I could clean the cocaine off my table.

“You promised,” I said, voice tight.

He nodded. “I’m sorry.”

I sighed. His wide eyes watched me. He rubbed his arms, and he cried. The high wasn’t a good one. Maybe it would have been had I not come home from work early.

I sighed and moved the chair so I could kneel between his spread legs. I cupped his cheeks.

“You hate me,” he whispered.

“I do not. Have you been to rehab?”

“Three times.”

I snorted. “Well, nix that idea then. Cold turkey?”

“Seoul. It wasn’t pretty. I lasted a week days.”

_I won’t live to be thirty, Su-ah. What do I care what I put in my body?_

I shivered at the memory. “I’m going to hug you,” I said carefully.

He nodded, and I hugged him and he hugged me back.

“I can’t allow you to stay here if you’re going to be using cocaine. I have a son to think about.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I promise this is the only time I’ve brought it here. I just … I just needed it. And—“

He didn’t need to explain the need to me. I didn’t completely quit until I’d been dating Jillian for a few months. He was also lying. Drug addicts lied. Plain and simple.

I sighed. “You’re putting me in a rough spot, Jae. I don’t want to have to choose between you and my family.”

“I’ve been asking my contacts,” he says into my shoulder. “They’ll let me stay. I won’t make you choose.”

My heart stopped. “No. Stay here. I won’t tell Jillian, but please, don’t bring it here again, okay?”

He nodded. I knew he’d lie. I knew he’d do it again. But I was not willing to let him go. Not yet.

-|-|-|-|-|-

I watched him closely for the next couple of weeks. He was always high. Always. It broke my heart. His sunken eyes, sunken cheeks. The ribs poking out.

He smiled a lot, though. And he played with David every day. He spoke in Korean with David, and instead of throwing a fit like when I tried to teach him, David soaked it up. Uncle Jaejoong was his bestest friend.

One night in bed, Jillian held me from behind, lips soft against my neck. “I know you love him,” she said, “I know he’s your friend. But he’s using.”

“Yeah. I know.”

“I don’t want that around David.”

“Neither do I.”

“He needs help. If he’s getting help, he can stay. Otherwise, I … god, I feel like a bitch,” she said and rolled away.

I followed and put my arm around her bare stomach, fingertips caressing the bottom curve of her breasts. “You’re not being a bitch. Just the opposite. Thank you for letting him stay for so long. I’ll talk to him tomorrow, okay?”

She nodded. “I’ll take Dave out in the afternoon so you can be alone. Just text me when you’re done.”

“Thank you.”

Once again I had trouble sleeping. I heard Jaejoong moving around the living room at four in the morning.

With a sigh, I got up, slipped on sweats and padded out to the living room.

Jaejoong was cleaning. I leaned against the entryway to the living room and smiled, watching him rub the same spot over and over again. The situation wasn’t amusing,, but the memory. It was like the reminder of this. The past had haunted me before, but never in a corporeal form.

“I think that end table is clean,” I said.

He jumped and his eyes widened in fear.

I pushed off the wall and moved to the couch. I sat, patted the cushion next to me. Jaejoong bit his lower lip, wringing the cloth over and over in his hands.

“Come on, I won’t bite,” I said.

Jaejoong sat down, away from me, legs bouncing. I took the rag from his hands and replaced it with my own hand. His fingers ran up and over and around my hand and wrist and arm, and then over my chest and stomach. I shut my eyes and enjoyed his touch. My fingers slid into his hair.

“How did you quit?” he whispered.

I frowned, thinking back five years ago. When we were in high school and that first semester of college, I had been as addicted as he was. “I guess … you weren’t there anymore. I crashed hard when you left. I kept waiting for a call to come identify your body. And then, I found something else to get addicted to,” I said, thinking of Jillian.

His lips turned in a smile. “Freebase, E, weed.”

I laughed.

Finally relaxing, Jaejoong leaned against me. “I haven’t had any today. Not a bit and I’m freaking the fuck out.”

“I can tell. I’m supposed to talk to you about this tomorrow, but I can do it now. JillChil doesn’t want you around David if you’re going to be high, and neither do I.”

He buried his face into my shoulder, body shaking. His arms snaked around my waist, fingers clutching at my bare, lower back. Our skin. Together.

I inhaled sharply and almost unconsciously slipped down the couch so we could be even closer. I put my arms around him, face on his head. He still smelled like cheap fruit.

“I love you,” Jae said into my neck. He muttered it in Korean, over and over.

“I love you, too, Jae.”

His fingers tightened, harder and harder. “I can’t do it, I can’t. I’ve tried so many times. I just … I can’t do it.” He pushed up with a cry and leaned over, elbows on his knees, face in his hands. I rubbed his back and played with the end of his ponytail.

“I love your hair this long,” I whispered. “It’s …” _Sexy_. “Nice.”

He snorted.

“Where did you go after you left me that day?” I whispered.

He took a deep breath. “I owed a guy some money. Sold myself to pay him off, ran away instead, his goons left me for dead, and that was the first time I tried to quit, but the best place for a junkie is in rehab. Everything else you more or less know.”

The thought of Jae as a prostitute made me so angry.

“You didn’t have … I would have lent you …”

“You didn’t have any money either, Su-ah.”

“Half of that cocain went up my nose. It was as much my debt as it was yours.”

“I know. That’s why I did it. I didn’t want him to go after you, too. So left and cut ties and I always meant to call you again.”

I chanced a look behind me and then turned, so one of my legs was on the couch and the other was on the floor. I scooted close, put my arms around him and then put my face on his back. He leaned against me.

“I’m not sure I could quit for you,” Jae whispered.

“No. You can’t. You can’t quit for anyone but yourself. That’s the rule.”

“I-I’ll leave. Tomorrow. After … after breakfast.”

“No. Wait until Sunday. Please. Jill is going to take David out and—”

“You’re going to tell me you want me to leave.”

“We don’t want you to leave; we want you to get help.”

His shoulder sagged. “I don’t think I can.”

I sighed. Everything went quiet and Jaejoong fell asleep in my arms. His shaking ceased slightly in his sleep, but not entirely. I think it was more that his body was exhausted and made him sleep. Selfishly, I kissed his cheeks and his shoulder and his protruding collarbones. His skin tasted the same, maybe a bit tangier.

I heard Jillie’s alarm go off. I sighed, pressed one more kiss to Jaejoong’s neck and then settled him on the couch, under the blanket. He whimpered as I left, but I knew better than to go back. Jillie accepted the touches and the few times we had been together on a chair as typical Korean friendship behavior. I doubt she’d accept me cuddling with my half-naked ex-lover.

I made coffee. Jillie put her arms around me and kissed my shoulder as I held a cup to my face.

“You love him still,” she said.

I wondered how she meant that word. “I always will.”

Jaejoong slept for most of the day. He woke up at around noon, and Jillie took David out of the house. She sent a concerned look to Jaejoong, and then she left.

I sighed in the silence that followed.

Jaejoong looked over at me, and I moved to him and sat on the couch next to him. “How are you?”

“Craving.”

I smiled. “I bet.”

“Take my mind off it,” he whispered.

I inhaled sharply. When we were younger, we always fucked when we couldn’t get high. An orgasm was the same thing, just a shorter period and less intense high, usually.

“There’s a bag in my suitcase. Burning in my eyes, veins popping, pills stopping, heart shattering—“

“Don’t you quote your drunken poetry at me,” I whispered and smiled. I loved his poetry so much.

I froze as he leaned closer. His lips twisted in a smirk, and then he started quoting my favorite. “Someone cheer me up again, throw me to the sky, brushed electric jolts around, hold me when I cry. Someone take me over there, catch me when I fall, slumber-coated decadence—“

“Slam me down the wall,” I finished and covered the distance between our lips, arms easily finding their way around his tiny waist. He settled his weight on top of me before he pulled away, shaking. I ran my hand into his hair, keeping him from turning away. I kissed him again. He moaned when I shifted. My leg fell to the floor, his body pushed against mine, and his hands slipped into my shirt. I pushed up to my elbows and the shirt practically flew off me.

Jaejoong attacked my chest, tongue and lips drawing at my skin, at that spot just above my nipple. His fingers found the dips of my hip bones and I was shivering in seconds, whimpering his name for more. He tugged at my sweats and I hesitated for only a second. I pushed them down and he finished pulling them off. I lost track of his clothes, of his hands and then his lips were on mine and he was stroking our cocks together. Heat, slipping, twisting, growling.

“Fuck, I missed you, fuck, Jaejoong. Fuck I … why did you leave? Why?”

“I don’t know. I don’t, please I shouldn’t—“ He hissed when I dug my nails into his bare shoulders.

Pleasure soared through me. He whimpered my name and warmth splattered all over my stomach and chest.

His hand faltered and I whimpered. He pressed his forehead to my shoulder and tried, but couldn’t keep stroking. I was so close. Our lips met in desperation and I replaced his hand on my cock, with his, faster. His lips stole my scream, swallowed his name even through it pounded through my head. I came between us.

Jaejoong collapsed and cried and I was crying too.

I knew I should have felt guilty, but … but it felt like I had been cheating on Jaejoong for the last ten years.

He kissed me again and again. His Korean mutterings formed half apologies and half love declarations.

I returned them all eagerly. I held him and rubbed his back until he calmed down. My eyes shut, relaxing, heavy from the lack of sleep and the intense orgasm.


	3. Someone tie me up so tight ...

**Someone tie me up so tight  
Bind me with a lie  
Sugar-coated cyanide  
Let me slowly die**

I woke up cold, even though there was a blanket under me. A clicking noise filled my ears and tossed my memories back ten years. I turned my head. Next to the coffee table, Jaejoong sat cross-legged on the floor. His hands shook, but he still flattened out a pile of cocaine, separated a bit, more tapping, in a line. And then he did it again, and again, making four lines. Fat lines.

He rolled up a dollar bill and a moment later, a line disappeared into his nose. He tilted his head up, holding in the breath and then let it out and looked down and our eyes met.

I shut my eyes and took a deep breath as he snorted another rail.

I remember how it felt. I couldn’t ever forget.

_One line won’t kill you, Su-ah._

I wondered how many lines Jaejoong had snorted up his nose.

Slowly, I opened my eyes. He leaned back on the chair, a smile on his face. I sat up. The dry come on my stomach crackled and stretched. I checked the clock. I’d only been asleep for a half hour. That was good.

I fell on my knees and crawled over to Jaejoong. His smiled widened as my lips found the bend (thankfully free of new tracks, just old scars, at least he wasn’t shooting up) in his elbow and I kissed up his arm to his shoulder and his neck. And across his cheek. I climbed into his lap and pressed my lips to his. He had white around his nose.

I turned my head and contemplated the innocuous lines of white. I twisted around completely and rubbed my ass on his crotch. He moaned, arms wrapping around my waist to hold me against him. I smiled and picked up the dollar bill.

God, it was so easy.

His hands and body tensed, but he said nothing. His breathing changed, and I hesitated for only a moment. I plugged one side of my nose, put the bill to the end of the line and inhaled as I moved it over.

Everything went numb immediately. I coughed and then before I could talk myself out of it, I changed nostrils and did the other line.

I sagged against Jaejoong, head tipping back onto his shoulder.

“You’re stupid,” he whispered.

“So are you.”

In five minutes I was high. Higher than I think I’d ever been. Those weren’t small lines and I was not used to taking so much at once anymore. Jaejoong kissed and hugged me and fucked me. I wish I could say I remembered the sex, but it was all a blur of over-sensation and smiles and come and kisses.

I crashed hard. That much I remember. Waking up with a dry mouth and yet wanting to puke and not being able to and shivers on my skin. The tile of the bathroom was too cold. The water in the sink too hot. I splashed it on my face anyway. Standing up straight had me bending over the toilet and dry heaving. I hadn’t eaten since breakfast.

I stumbled to the shower and managed to get inside. Jaejoong was there only minutes later, warm body pressed against my cold one. I felt like death. And I knew this feeling. It would stick around for a day or two, or until the next time I had cocaine.

“You all right?” Jae whispered in Korean.

I nodded. “God, that …” I shivered.

“You took too much.”

“I know.”

His lips trailed down my neck, his hands went around my waist. I didn’t protest as he washed me, hands moving so slow, soapy and sexy and wet around my body. I was hard as a rock by the time he was done.

“Do me,” I said, “god, fuck me.”

“Again?”

“I can’t remember before. I want to remember.”

Jaejoong chuckled. “I hate having sex in the shower, you know that.” His cock slipped between my ass cheeks.

“Fuck,” I gasped and pushed back. He laughed and moved away from me. His hand caressed down my back one more time and then he left the shower. I waited a few minutes, but my stubborn erection would not go away. I growled and did a final rinse before practically ripping the curtain from the rod and stepping into the bathroom.

Jaejoong had left the door open and I was blasted with cold air. Shivering, I pulled on my robe and headed for my room. Jaejoong lay naked on my bed, knee bent. Wordlessly, he motioned to my dresser, where my cell phone sat.

Jillian. Right.

I picked up the phone and saw three texts from her within the last half hour. I didn’t blame her. She’d been gone for four hours. Entertaining a three-year-old for four hours by yourself was difficult. I didn’t know how Jaejoong managed.

_Hey love, sorry. It’s been an emotional day. Jae and I are going to go find him a place to stay. He doesn’t think he can stop and he doesn’t want to endanger David anymore than we want him to. Come on home. I’ll be home for dinner._

She sent a frowning face back and then said, _Okay. I love you._

My fingers still on the keys and then I sent an _I love you_ back. I did love her. It wasn’t her fault that I’d never love her as much as I love Jaejoong.

“Now what?” Jaejoong ask, stroking his cock.

I was tempted to crawl into that bed with him. “First of all, that’s my bed that I share with my wife. Get up. Second, we’re going to go and find a motel where I can pay for a week or two for you to stay.”

“I can pay for it,” he protested.

“For how long? That money your parents gave you won’t last forever. And hotels are expensive, and I know you. You don’t have as much as you say you do. You don’t want me to worry. Just let me pay for it.”

Jaejoong frowned, but then he nodded. “O-okay.”

He slipped out of the room naked, and the bathroom door shut. I dressed quickly in a pair of jeans and t-shirt. I kept feeling like I was teetering, no energy. I felt him behind me and his arms went around my waist. Lips pressed against the back of my neck.

“I’m sorry, love.”

I smiled and leaned my head back, turning enough to kiss him. “For what?”

“I’m ruining your life again.”

I twisted in his hold and draped my arms around his neck. Our lips met in a comfortable kiss. God, I missed this with him.

“I make my own choices, pabo,” I said into his lips. “I want this. I want you.”

We kissed for a few more minutes, and then left my bedroom. He had already gathered his things, and he picked up his backpack from the floor. I locked the door and we went down to the lobby. I wanted to touch him so badly, but I didn’t dare without the safety of walls around me. I planned on keeping this little soiree into my past life a secret from Jillie.

I found the name of a local cheap motel on my phone and Jaejoong and I took the trains there and walked. I could already feel my nose twitching for more cocaine. The high was better than this lethargic feeling.

The proprietor was excited to have someone for two weeks, because I had to pay upfront. I didn’t mind. This was money better spent than a down payment on a house I did not want.

The room was typical: sparsely furnished and smelling of stale smoke. He tossed his bag on top of the dresser and then fell face first onto the bed. I laughed and crawled over him. I sat on his ass and slipped my hands under his shirt, massaging his muscles. He was so skinny.

“Can you get a job?”

He snorted. “Yes. Eventually. I have been looking, you know.”

“Yeah, I know.”

I paused in my massage and pulled our shirts off. Jaejoong’s face was serene, like he had no cares in the world, like he was mine and I was his and this wasn’t some illicit affair in a seedy motel room.

“Su-ah?”

“Huh?”

Jaejoong rolled over and I lifted up enough to let him. I rubbed up and down his chest, frowning at how skinny he was.

“I feel like I should keep apologizing.”

I smiled. “Don’t. Please.” I leaned down and pressed our lips together. “I love you.”

He smiled. His arms went around my back and our kiss deepened as he lowered me to the bed. It felt like we kissed for hours, relearning our way around the other, finding forgotten spots of lust and pleasure. His lips moved down my body, careful not to mark me. When it was my turn, I didn’t have to be careful and I left hickys down his chest and to his stomach. He squirmed underneath me.

His skin had always been so sensitive.

I pulled his jeans off, and then stayed at the end of the bed. I rubbed his legs, left more marks on his pale skin. His cock hung heavy on his stomach. His head thrashed back and forth, hands gripping the comforter. I pushed at his knees and he spread his legs, fingers moving to behind his knees, holding himself open. I sucked on the curves of his ass while I teased his entrance and his cock and balls with light touches.

“I’m going to come, love,” he whispered.

I smiled as I sucked on two of my fingers for a moment. Slowly I pressed them against his entrance. He moaned, clamping around them. I hummed in encouragement and licked around my fingers. He shouted my name as my fingers pushed into him. Both at once. I didn’t want to fuck him, just tease. I licked over and around them, in and out, faster and faster, until everything was wet and slippery and my fingers pumped in and out of him, spreading and twisting.

“Suck. Suck on me, fuck. Please, Su-ah.”

“I love it when you beg in Korean,” I whispered, letting my lips trail over his length.

He whimpered.

I licked around the head of his cock, slurping up precome. He moaned my name in disbelief. His cock twitched, so eager to come. I wondered if I could get him to come just from the teasing, and decided that I’d rather have him come in my mouth. I slowed my fingers and concentrated on his cock. I used just my mouth to lift him up away from his stomach, away from the marks littering his skin. Slowly, I took him in my throat.

A shaking hand settled in my hair.

It’d been way too long since I last sucked on a cock. My cheeks hurt in moments, and my technique was sloppy, wet, dirty. Jaejoong didn’t seem to care. His hips rose, his leg settled on my back and he bucked into my mouth, gasping my name. I felt his cock jerk and pulse, felt his orgasm and took him deeper, gagging as he came in my mouth, flooding everything with the taste. I swallowed and tried not to spit it all back up.

He collapsed boneless, fingers light in my hair as I continued to lick and play with his body.

“You want another line?” he whispered.

I froze for a moment. Did I? That last high was intense. Too intense.

He pushed up from the bed and I watched as he sauntered to his bag. He unzipped the top and pulled out clothes and then a small mirror and a baggie of powder. Part of me didn’t want to, but the rest of me wanted to feel that rush again. The nice thing about cocaine is that the high wasn’t too long. I’d be able to come down and be more or less normal before we were done here.

Jaejoong sat on the end of the bed and dumped a little bit of coke onto the mirror. He broke it up with a razor and formed three lines on the mirror. Two big ones. One small one. I went to my hands and knees and crawled up behind him. I kissed his back and shoulders as he rolled up a dollar bill. The two thick lines disappeared quickly into his nose.

I leaned around him and took the dollar bill from him. With no hesitation, I snorted the smaller line. Jaejoong shifted and scraped the mirror, forming another small line with the residue. I took that one too. I fell to the bed as everything went pleasantly tingly numb. The draggy-lazy-nauseous feeling went away in moments.

He crawled over me and our lips met just as my phone buzzed to life with Jillie’s ringtone. I sighed as Jaejoong moved away, his hands rubbed up and down my thighs and then the ringing cut off and Jaejoong said hello. My head shot up.

“Hey, Jillie … He’s in the bathroom … Yes, thank you. I really appreciate everything you’ve done for me over the last two months. … I’ll miss you, too, but I understand. If I had a kid, I wouldn’t want some druggie around him all the time … Don’t, Jillian. You have to protect your family. … I appreciate that. … Um, hang on. He’s right here.” He pulled the phone away from his ear and said, “She wants me to come over for dinner.”

I smiled and took the phone from him. I rearranged on the bed, curled up against Jaejoong’s naked body. “She just doesn’t want to cook.”

“Hey!” Jillie said as Jaejoong laughed. “Look, Su-ah. He’s your friend. I don’t expect you to just drop him somewhere and ignore him. I only don’t want drugs in my house or around my kids.”

“Kids?” I said, voice rising.

Jillie laughed. “Maybe eventually.”

“One step at a time,” I said, heart racing, unnaturally panicked. The cocaine was hitting me quick.

“Okay. Well, can I expect you two back here before dinner?”

It was already five. I looked at Jaejoong and he shrugged.

“Yes. Jaejoong would love to cook us food again.”

He smiled. I said goodbye to Jillian and hung up on her I love you. It felt weird to say that when I was lying in a bed with another man.

Jaejoong’s hands traced patterns on my bare skin and our lips met and we kissed again, and again and again. My jeans were discarded and his hands turned me into little more than mush. The cocaine made it all even more intense.

I rolled on my stomach and then lifted my ass, tucking my knees underneath me. Jaejoong rubbed up and down my ass and thighs. His lips followed and I moaned pushing back into his face as he teased me.

“Just a minute, love,” he said and slapped my ass.

I really moaned and just managed to pry my eye open to see him pull out a bottle of lube and a condom. I’m pretty sure we hadn’t used a condom earlier, but I was too wasted to remember. I licked my lips as he came back to bed. He covered his fingers in lube and pressed two of them into me. I was still loose enough and he was quick, spreading me, adding a third finger.

The foil crinkled loud in the room and then time sped up and Jaejoong pushed his cock into my ass and I bit down on the blankets to keep from screaming in absolute joy. Jillie was a sexual creature, and she had no problems at all shoving fingers into me or the few toys we had. But an actual cock was so much better. I met his thrusts violently and I almost started crying when he pulled away from me.

He laid next to me and pulled me on top of him, fingers wiping at tears that must have fallen anyway. He kissed me and whispered love at me and reassurances. He just wanted me to ride him. I bit my lip and nodded. He gripped my ass, spreading me open and I directed his cock back into my loose hole. I cried out and slammed myself down on him. But he held me tightly and instead, kept my ass spread and slammed his hips up, fucking me, moaning grunting screaming crying.

My orgasm shot through me, one moment it coiled and then just sprung out of me and I shot heavy white all over Jaejoong’s stomach and chest. The double feelings – high in two different ways – stopped my heart and I sagged.

Jaejoong chuckled into my neck. He pulled out of me again, despite my whimper and made me lick up my come. He gripped my hands and yanked them behind my back, holding me and then spanking me, hard and violent, and I cried and begged into the bed. He released me after who knew how long and pushed back into my body. He fucked me hard and rough until I was so blown that I had no idea which way was up. I came again when he reached under my hip and stroked my cock.

Unable to keep up, I fell to the bed. Jaejoong let me and then only moments later, he splattered his come all over my back. I hummed in enjoyment and squirmed on the bed as the warm pools cooled quickly.

He leaned over me, kissed me and said I love you.

I loved him. God, I loved him. He only let me rest for a few minutes, and then we did more lines of powdery loveliness and more positions of sexual loveliness.


	4. Someone tear me open up ...

**Someone tear me open up  
Wrench my rib cage wide  
Sweetly dripping frustrated  
Stake me with a knife**

Jillian knew. I knew she knew. She was smart. Jaejoong and I stood too close to each other, we looked at each other with love in our eyes. And she knew what a coke user looked like.

She never said anything. I never said anything.

Jaejoong never stayed the night at our apartment. I never stayed the night in his room. He got a job at a music store, his only other passion besides cocaine and me. He worked forty hours and had his own money. But I kept paying for his room, because once again, I was snorting a lot of his cocaine into my nose.

About two weeks later, Jaejoong and I were on the couch watching a movie. Jillie had told me that she was letting David sleep over at Mrs. Cranston’s down the hall. I shrugged. “Okay.” I vaguely heard the door shut.

Jaejoong ran his fingers along my arm, and I shut my eyes, settling against him with a smile. Lips pressed against my forehead.

A few minutes later, the TV went dark and both Jaejoong and I looked up at Jillie in confusion.

“Kiss him.”

“What?” I said, pushing away from Jaejoong.

“You kiss him when I’m not watching, why not kiss him while I am watching.”

“Jill—“

She shut Jaejoong up with a look. “Consider it part of my Asian fetish. Seems like you both have one too.”

Jaejoong snorted.

Jillian looked like she was about to cry. I stood up, shivering as Jaejoong’s hand slid down my thigh. Jillian noticed too and tried to turn away, but I grabbed her shoulders.

“Don’t you fucking say you’re sorry,” she said immediately, eyes down. And tears fell.

Jaejoong’s hand stayed on my ass as I tried to get Jillie to look at me. “I wasn’t going to apologize,” I said.

This time, she snorted. Her fiery eyes glared at me.

I sort of winced. “Look, Jillie, I can’t apologize because you’re too smart to believe it.”

“I’m about to smack you,” she said, voice breaking.

“I would deserve it.”

I heard Jaejoong get up and move around us to the door.

“Don’t go,” Jillie said. “Just … fucking explain this to me. I—I deserve that. I want to know what’s so good about him that … Just talk. Now.”

Jaejoong stayed by the door, arms crossed, leaning against the wall. He was in tight jeans, this shimmery, sheer blue shirt and god, I could see his nipples under it. His long hair was loose, flowing almost to his elbows.

I pulled Jillie next to me on the couch. We faced away from Jaejoong and I made sure she was listening before I started talking.

“I told you Jaejoong moved in when we were thirteen. He … he was easy to be around,” I said, smiling remembering. “My family … well, you’ve met my mother.”

She winced and nodded.

“It was worse in high school. The religion. The studying. The pressure. And Jaejoong had it worse. He was an only son in a sea of females. It was so easy to fall into each other. And for Jaejoong, I was someone who didn’t hurt him, didn’t hit him or expect him to be perfect. People always figured that he’d been doing drugs longer than I had, but we shared our first time together, and there wasn’t often when we did it separately. We were high the first time we kissed, and well, then we weren’t high and my parents threatened to disown me and Junho and I still don’t talk much, but when I was with Jaejoong, nothing else mattered to me.”

I felt my eyes fill with tears. “And then I got into college and he—he only went because I did, and then he was gone and I felt like I lost part of myself. Jaejoong asked me before how I quit cocaine, and back then, it wasn’t the cocaine I was addicted to. It was Jaejoong.” I sighed, but bit back my apology. “I didn’t think I—”

“How long have you two been fucking each other?” she asked.

I looked over at Jaejoong and he said, “Only since I left here. So two weeks.”

“You never …” She looked surprised.

I shook my head, mentally thinking that the one time on the living room floor didn’t count because I couldn’t remember it.

“You didn’t want to get caught,” she snapped.

“Partly,” I said, “but this is our place, Jillie. I’m not a complete bastard.”

She sighed and laid her head on my shoulder. I hugged her tightly. “You are a complete bastard,” she said. “Are you using cocaine again?”

God, I was hoping she didn’t ask me that.

“Only when he’s with me,” Jaejoong said.

“He’s always with you,” she said and then held me tightly, crying hard and suddenly.

My heart hurt and I looked up at Jaejoong.

He looked conflicted. “I should go. I know he won’t apologize, but I’m sorry. This is my fault.”

Jillian lifted her head. “No it’s not. Junsu is a big boy. He can make his own decisions.”

“That’s what he told me.”

She sighed and looked at me, and my heart broke and then she kissed me and I kissed her back. I heard Jaejoong open his mouth to say something but he didn’t. He put his boots on and I forced myself away from Jillian.

“Wait, Jae … just …”

He waved at me in dismissal. “I’m going to go.”

“Please, wait.” I stood up and moved over to him, stopping him. “Don’t. If you walk out that door, I’ll never see you again. I know you. You’re going to disappear again.”

He smiled at me and touched my cheek and leaned forward to kiss me lightly. “It’s for the best if I do. You’re the only one who can’t see that.”

I tried not to cry and hugged him tightly. To my surprise, Jillian hugged us both.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I never thought— I’ll ignore it, you’re both so unhappy and I’m—”

I turned in their arms, back against Jaejoong, and kissed my wife. “I am not unhappy with you. I’m not. I have never been unhappy with you.”

Jaejoong kissed my neck and I moaned into Jillian’s mouth, arching my back into Jaejoong, my front into my wife. She shivered and then shook her head and tried to pull away from us.

She smiled. “Now you’re just taking advantage of my Asian fetish.”

I laughed, Jaejoong smiled and Jillian turned my head and I kissed Jaejoong softly. Jillian ran her hands up and down my stomach and chest.

“You two … seriously, hot. I hate that I find this so fucking hot.” She kissed me and Jaejoong’s hands slipped under my shirt. “We can’t do this.”

“Why not?” Jaejoong whispered.

She shook her head. “We can’t. It’s weird.“

I agreed with her. It was weird.

Jaejoong smiled and said, “Okay. But I’m going to go, and no, Su-ah, I won’t disappear, but you need time with your wife right now, and I … well, yeah. You know what I need right now, and I’m not going to break down a line in your bathroom.”

Jillie let me kiss him goodbye. It was longer than it should have been, but I was terrified that I would never see him again. Then to my surprise, Jaejoong kissed her too. Short, deep, sort of sweet, and I was grinning at the dazed look on Jillie’s face.

“You understand now,” I said, watching as Jaejoong easily melted my wife in his arms.

She nodded, half laughing as Jaejoong cupped her ass. “I doubt I make him hard even if he makes me wet.”

Jaejoong laughed. “Yeah, sorry. Girls just … With so many sisters, you can imagine the issues I have with women.”

Jillie laughed and nodded. She kissed his cheek. We said goodbye, and Jillie and I stood by the door long after he left, arms around each other.

“I know it means shit,” I said, “but I’m sorry.”

Jillie smirked at me and started walking backwards. “Punishment.”

Lust flared low in my stomach. It’d been a long time since Jillie and I played with each other. “Most definitely.”

-|-|-|-|-|-|-

The next morning I was nursing a very sore ass and red marks from the ties she’d used to bind my hands and ankles to the headboard. I grumbled at her cheery mood and then stuck my tongue out at her when she laughed. I didn’t sleep, but more passed out after the fourth or fifth hour that I wasn’t allowed to come. I’d woken up on the floor with come caked to my stomach. I was still groveling at her feet, and promised that I’d help clean and go shopping today.

My phone rang with Jaejoong’s ringtone, and her smile fell just a little. I didn’t answer it. She rolled her eyes and when it rang again, she snagged it off the table and answered it.

“Hello, Beautiful … Yes, but he’s trying to recover … From what? Well, he had to be punished didn’t he? … Oh, god, I know. I love watching his ass bounce when I spank him. … Really? I will have to try that next time.”

I groaned and lowered my head to the table. I did not need Jaejoong telling Jillian all of my sexual kinks.

“Are you still coming over for lunch today? … No, seriously, Jaejoong, it’s … it’s okay. … I know. But he would miss you way too much. As long as you stop fucking each other … I know. It’s really hard not to want to fuck that ass.”

I snorted, and she smiled at me and said goodbye.

“You don’t have to do this,” I said as she sat in my lap. I winced at the sting in my backside.

She smiled and kissed me. “Stop snorting coke, okay?”

“I will.” I buried my face in her shoulder and then took a deep breath. “So I was thinking.”

“Uh oh.”

I laughed. “Okay, so I was talking to Jaejoong, and Jill, I really don’t want to buy a house right now. I hate my job, I want to do something else, but if we buy a house, I’m going to feel like I’m stuck there. I was thinking of going back to school.”

She leaned away from me. “For what?”

I shrugged. “Biomedical Engineering.”

“Please tell me you’re joking.”

I laughed. “Yeah, but I don’t know. I really like science and how things work. Jaejoong and I were going to both major in Chemistry or Physics, but then he went and disappeared and I just settled for something easy.”

“And me?” she asked. “Because Jaejoong was MIA, you just settled for me.”

“Of course not, love, come on. I love you.”

“I won’t make you choose,” she said, nuzzling our noses. “I’m not stupid.”

“I married you because you were smart.”

“If you can promise that you won’t disappear with him, stop having sex, stop cocaine. Fuck, why can’t you just be friends?”

“Remember that kiss he gave you?”

She moaned a bit and rolled her eyes back.

“Yeah.”

With a laugh, she said, “You two are just so in love. I feel like you were just biding your time with me until he came back for you.”

I hugged Jillian to me tightly. “That’s not it. I promise. Jillie. I love you. This mess with Jaejoong, he was out of my life and just suddenly back. I … I haven’t had to just be his friend, but I will, because I won’t lose you. You are my life now.”

We stayed like that until we both realized that we hadn’t heard David make a noise for a good thirty minutes and we went to investigate, finding him in the bathroom on the floor with the different colored soaps all spread around him.

“Look, Daddy! I’m a painter!” He sprayed blue body wash everywhere and used one of Jillie’s make up brushes to spread it with the pinks and whites and creams already on the floor.

Jillian and I met each others’ eyes and then we laughed.

“I’ll clean it up,” I said. “I’m still in trouble, after all.”

“Too true,” Jill said. She kissed my cheek and I swooped in on David and tried to make a game out of cleaning up all the soap.

-|-|-|-|-|-|-

This arrangement was odd for both Jaejoong and me. He came over two or three times a week to play with David or cook us dinner. He continued to look at me and want me and as happened before it got harder and harder to refuse him. And, it didn’t take long for me to be warming his bed again. Usually on my lunch breaks.

I refused to do cocaine though, watching as he sucked up the white powder, twitching for the high, but not willing to take the risk. It was bad enough that we were fucking again.

Jillian and I talked more about the house thing, and she caved on that. I applied to schools with Physics programs, knowing I’d been in school for three or four years while still working and supporting my family. It was going to be hell.

Fortunately, because of my impeccable work history and my previous degree, I was able to go back to my alma mater, so we didn’t have to move. Classes would start in the fall. Less than three months.

When Jillian caught us at Jaejoong’s motel room, she didn’t seem surprised, just disappointed and that hurt more than anger ever could.

She told me it’d be better for us both if I didn’t go home for a couple of days and I agreed. We needed space, but that meant I was with Jaejoong, and god, Jaejoong … my Jaejoong.

My heart hurt with how much I loved him.

On a Saturday morning, the sun rose, throwing pale light through the open windows. I lay on my side, idling tracing patterns between the hickys on Jaejoong’s back. He woke up slowly, turning his head, eyes half-lidded and full of sleep. He smiled.

“You should go home,” he said.

I frowned. “I …”

He sat up and stretched, pale skin beautiful in the morning light. He settled over me and we didn’t talk again as he pushed into my worn body and made love to me. It felt like a goodbye, but I didn’t want it to be a goodbye.

He held me when I cried.

I wondered if I could be happy without him, and then reminded myself that I had been happy without him. He had disappeared and I hadn’t even thought of him for years. I had found the love of my life and we had a son together.

“Jill is giving up a lot for you,” he said. “She’s giving up the house and her time for you to go to school. And—“

I sighed and shut him up with a kiss. “I know. But you can do all that for me too.”

“I’m no good for you, baby, I’m poison in your veins, high enough for long enough, crashing down in pain, hold me up, I’ll weigh you down, take you with me when I fall—“

“Shut up,” I said and kissed him again.

I knew he was right, but still I stayed with him. We spent the day naked in bed, love coming and going and flowing between us.

In the end I had to choose. Even though they both told me they wouldn’t make me, I had to choose. I couldn’t keep them both.

“I’m sorry,” I told him as day turned to night outside. I had packed my things and put on my shoes and now all I had to do was walk away from him.

He smiled at me from the bed, and then slowly rose. He was still naked, and I wanted to shed my clothes one more time. Just one more time.

He cupped my cheek and kissed me softly. I laid a hand on his side.

“I love you,” he said. “Always have, always will.”

My throat closed and I forced out a love filled response. He hugged me and kissed me and then in a sort of daze I was outside and the door shut behind me and I cried as I walked all the way home.

Jillian asked no questions, just let me in the house. David was already in bed and I peeked into his room, smiling despite my heart breaking all over again. I knew I made the right choice. Jaejoong was still a fleeting memory. What we had was in the past. A learning experience. Weighed next to a life of Jaejoong and cocaine, the love of David and the love of my wife came out way ahead.

That didn’t mean it didn’t hurt.

Two days later when I called the motel to pay for another week for Jaejoong, the manager told me that Jaejoong had checked out the day before.

I thanked the man and hung up, stunned and confused. When I called Jaejoong’s phone, the number had been disconnected. I called his work, and his boss said that Jaejoong had called in and quit.

Vanished. Just like last time.

Jillian sat next to me on the couch.

 _It’s better this way,_ Jaejoong’s voice reminded me.

I stared at her, eyes wide, tears on my cheeks. “He’s gone.”

She frowned, and then nodded. “I’m sorry.”

And she really sounded sorry. She had no reason to apologize. I almost ruined our lives. My apology caught in my throat. It hurt, it hurt so much, but I don’t think I’d ever stop loving Jaejoong.

**Someone tell me why I can't  
find love within my core  
happy is the sacrifice  
I give up heartbeats for**


End file.
